My favorite one-liners here, so I won't forget them

Does the noise in my head bother you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Dole for Pineapple.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Have an adequate day.

Can you see me right now?

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot" (go look it up).

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Save the whales--collect the whole set.

What does cheese say when it gets its picture taken?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Blessed are the censors. They shall inhibit the Earth.

Old people read the bible more because they are cramming for their final.

If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I have a wooden leg with a real foot.

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Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!