Alienware's innovative restore CD automatically formats your computer!

In October, 2004, I ordered an Alienware Aurora to replace the gaming machine I had at the time, a Smith Corona WordSmith 100 featuring daisywheel printing at an astonishing speed of 12 characters per second.

After a MONTH of waiting for their elderly assembly team to construct my machine out of denture adhesive and bingo chips, I finally received my order. For a long time I pretended to not notice that the Alienware computer cases are really just cheap plastic glued to the metal framework. However, after several pieces of the case spontaneously broke off under about as much pressure as a baby inhaling through a pillow pressed against its face, I concluded that the cases suck. This turned out to not be the only thing about Alienware computers that sucks.

In Spring 2007, I installed Linux on my Dell laptop by resizing the Windows partition to create room for the installation. I soon realized that having Linux on my laptop did not bring me any fame and glory in my social circle.

I soon decided to remove the Linux installation, which messed up the boot loader and prevented me from booting Windows. I needed to figure out a way to restore the master boot record, so I thought I would first try using the recovery console that is available during the Windows installation process.

Lacking a vanilla Windows XP install CD, I dug up the restore CD for my Alienware and put it in my laptop. To my horror it immediately started formatting my drive to prepare for installing Windows WITHOUT ANY CONFIRMATION. That's absolutely brilliant, since there's no chance for anyone to ever put the restore CD into any other computer except their Alienware, and only when they really want to format it.

Sarcasm aside, perhaps it actually would be a good idea to ask the user for confirmation before doing something dangerous, like deleting all their files. In fact, I have had two Packard Bells, a Gateway, and three Dell laptops, and their restore CDs all had some kind of menu or at least a confirmation before blowing away my files. I can't fathom why Alienware would omit this obvious and indispensable feature.

Perhaps the inadequate process at Alienware that illegitimately conceived this deformed fetus of an idea went something along these lines...

Alienware Engineer 1: "Uhhhhhh restore CD derrrrrrr!!!" *slapping self in chest*
Alienware Engineer 2: *drooling, eyes rolled back in head*
Alienware Product Manager: "Time for french fries!" *eats thumb tacks*
Alienware Elderly Assembly Technician: *hip spontaneously explodes, sending bone shrapnel into nearby foreheads*

In spite of their stupidity and lack of engineering prowess, it turned out this wasn't a complete disaster for my laptop. As soon as it started formatting, I turned off the power, so only my partition table was actually erased. Luckily, there is always an older version of the partition table stored somewhere on the disk, and with several hours of frustration and rebooting I was able to copy my important data onto my iPod using some disk recovery utilities.

You're lucky I was able to recover my files! I wonder how many other people this has happened to who have lost everything. *Slaps Alienware in the head!* You should NEVER have a dangerous process performed automatically without any kind of trigger, safeguard, or confirmation.

Since you don't find it prudent to prevent catastrophes for your customers, I hope you are never involved in developing anything important, like defibrillators or air bags. Imagine defibrillators that automatically shock the nearest person repeatedly when turned on, or air bags that deploy as soon as you put the keys in the ignition. STUPID!

So Alienware, I give you the following report card after spitefully smearing poo on it:

Restore CD: F-
Assembly time: F
Computer case: F
Price: F
Ability to see into the future: F!!!

Have any Alienware horror stories? Send them to me!

My favorite one-liners here, so I won't forget them

Does the noise in my head bother you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Dole for Pineapple.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Have an adequate day.

Can you see me right now?

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot" (go look it up).

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Save the whales--collect the whole set.

What does cheese say when it gets its picture taken?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Blessed are the censors. They shall inhibit the Earth.

Old people read the bible more because they are cramming for their final.

If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I have a wooden leg with a real foot.

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